Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Review Tuesday: ALIEN VS NINJA (2010)

Recently I went to the local super market and walked by the rack of bargain DVDs when something caught my eye. AvN. What? Upon closer inspection of the sleeve art I saw armored ninjas and what appears to be a very Giger-esque ALIEN howling atop a hill. A ninja movie about something that appears to be something of a cross between an ALIEN and a predator? It even says on the front, 

When an alien menace is loose in ancient Japan, only the ninjas have the skill to save mankind. 
Okay, if this sounds goofy, IT IS. Everything about it is just wrong. The movie open up with a small team of ninjas FLYING out of a tower that they just set traps in. FLYING. I shit you not. But anyone who ever watched the Saturday afternoon Kung-Fu movies knows full well that martial arts movies rarely observe the laws of physics. Usually they tend to focus more on the accuracy of the time period. 

Not this movie.

The ninjas seem to outfitted by fetish teams. The good guys are immediately chased down by "leather face" ninjas. Our heroes seem to be wearing black football pads. The comic relief ninja is an inventor and even devised a high-capacity full-auto pistol. Their leader is protected by an army of soldiers in chemical warfare gear. One of the ninjas wears modern combat boots. 

This movie is ALL OVER THE PLACE.

They introduce another team of ninjas from the same village lead by a distractingly good looking woman. She's the only one clad in glossy leathers from head to toe. Her boob armor seems to sit too high and comes up just below her chin. 

For some reason the main guys seem to have no need of helmets and they all toss them aside. Then the alien shows up. He kinda looks like a low budget Giger-esque creature that was meant to be a villain on Power Rangers. He makes quick work of the helmeted ninjas. I guess if you are a ninja with a helmet you are the equivalent of a Star Trek "red shirt" because NONE of them made it past that battle.    

Our heroes, only five left now, stumble across a child, the sole survivor of an alien attack of a nearby village. They bring him along and plan to ambush the alien. The plan seemed to go well except for a couple of details, such as, simply stabbing or chopping bits off the alien seems to have no effect and there is more than one alien. 

This is when things really get weird. While the child and the coward ninja run and hide from the battle, the three men seem to have their hands full with two aliens, but the female ninja takes on one enemy hand to hand. True to form for Japanese film, everything in her battle becomes oversexualized. They show you how the alien becomes fixated with her breasts and goes to attack THOSE first. But this woman has a super-powerful punching attack that seems to repel the beast. The alien will not quit and continues to make many attacks that resemble attempted tentacle rape and she dodges each in various sexy gestures. It was comical how the cameras focus in on her ass, or boobs, or between her legs all through the battle. 

And then the alien slaughters THEIR village.

Then the alien unveils his army of zombie ninjas. 

Then comes the final battle between the last alien and the main ninja which is like nothing you can imagine. Right when you think it can't get stranger, it does. 

The movie ends with a serious WTF?! moment that makes you wonder if they were planning a sequel to this mess. 

With all that said, I would STILL call this 80 minutes of entertaining kung-fu / monster / comedy. It will blow your fucking mind. It just seems too disjointed not to be perfectly planned that way. A lot of fun and worth it if you find it in the $5 bargain bin at your local supermarket.