Sunday, May 01, 2016

This joke was nominated for best joke of the year

From my email:
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

omnific \om-NIF-ik\, adjective:
  • Creating all things; having unlimited powers of creation.
Omnific also occurs as omnificent and ominificence, a noun.
 
sinlaws

  • The parents of your live-in boyfriend/girlfriend.
I am having my sinlaws over for dinner...I hope I make a good impression since I have been shacking up with their son for a few weeks now and they are not down with the fact we are living in sin.

Holiday
  • May Day aka International Worker's Day.
History
  • Act of Union: England and Scotland joined to form Great Britain (1707)
  • Marriage of Figaro: Mozart's opera premiered in Vienna (1786)
  • Empire State Building: world's tallest building (at the time) opened after 410 days of construction (1931)
  • Citizen Kane: Orson Welles' film masterpiece loosely depicting — and criticizing — newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst debuted in New York City (1931)
  • Cheerios: General Mills introduced the first oat-based ready-to-eat breakfast cereal (1941)
  • North Korea: was established with Kim Il Sung as premier; he maintained power for the next 46 years (1948)
  • Iraq War: George W. Bush declared the successful end of major combat operations in Iraq (2003)
Birthdays
  • Benjamin Henry Latrobe 1764 - Architect known for his design of the United States Capitol and the Baltimore Basilica
  • George Inness 1825 - American landscape painter
  • James Graham 1878 - Scottish nobleman, politician
  • Leo Sowerby 1895 - Composer, musician, won Pulitzer Prize fro music in 1946
  • Kate Smith 1909 - Singer
  • Archie Williams 1915 - Olympic athlete
  • Glen Ford 1916 - Actor ("Gilda", "The Courtship of Eddie's Father")
  • John Beradino (Giovanni Berardino) 1917 - Baseball player, actor
  • Jack Paar 1918 - Radio and television comedian, talk show host ("The Tonight Show")
  • Harry Caray 1919 - Baseball broadcaster
  • Dan O'Herlihy 1919 - Actor ("Macbeth (1948)", "Robinson Crusoe")
  • Julian Goodman 1922 - CEO for NBC, was on Richard Nixon's master list of political opponents
  • Joseph Heller 1923 - Novelist, short story writer, playwright
  • Terry Southern 1924 - Author, essayist, screenwriter
  • Scott Carpenter 1925 - One of NASA's original seven astronauts
  • Chuck Bednarik 1925 - Football player
  • Sonny James (James Loden) 1929 - Country music singer and songwriter
  • Ollie Matson (Ollie Genoa Matson II) 1930 - Football player
  • Little Walter (Marion Walter Jacobs) 1930 - Musician
  • Judy Collins (Judith Marjorie "Judy" Collins) 1939 - Singer and songwriter
  • Bobbie Ann Mason 1940 - Novelist, short story writer, essayist, literary critic
  • Stephen Macht 1942 - Actor
  • Mimi Farina (Mimi Baez Fariña) 1945 - Singer, songwriter
  • Rita Coolidge 1945 - Singer
  • Nick Fortune 1946 - Musician (The Buckinghams)
  • Jerry Heard 1947 - Golfer
  • Douglas Barr 1949 - Actor, writer, director
  • Dann Florek 1951 - Actor ("Law and Order: SVU")
  • Ray Parker Jr. 1954 - Singer (Raydio)
  • Nick Feldman 1955 - Musician (Wang Chung)
  • Steve Farris 1957 - Musician (Mr. Mister)
  • Phil Smith 1959 - Musician (Haircut 100)
  • Wayne Hancock 1965 - Country musician
  • Charlie Schlatter 1966 - Actor ("Diagnosis: Murder")
  • Johnny Colt 1966 - Musician (The Black Crowes)
  • Tim McGraw 1967 - Country musician
  • D'Arcy Wreztky 1968 - Musician (Smashing Pumpkins)
  • Wes Anderson 1969 - Director
  • Julie Benz 1972 - Actress ("Dexter," "Angel")
  • Curtis Martin 1973 - Football player
  • Darius McCrary 1976 - Actor ("Family Matters"), singer 

Saturday, April 30, 2016

How Fights Get Started in marriage

From my email:

How Fights Get Started in marriage ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No" she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible..."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table...

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes" I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

Saturday, April 30, 2016

doula \DOO-luh\, noun:
  • A woman who assists during childbirth labor and provides support to the mother, her child and the family after childbirth.
Doula derives from Greek doula, "servant-woman, slave," akin to hierodule.
cell membrane
  • The invisible force field that makes cell-phone conversations inaudible to everyone else.

"Sorry, you're breaking up . . . What? . . . I said, HOW'S THAT URINARY TRACT INFECTION HEALING? . . . What? . . . No, of course no one can hear me -- I'm surrounded by the cell membrane."


History
  • George Washington: took the oath of office to become the first POTUS (1789)
  • Louisiana Purchase: France agreed to sell the Louisiana Territory to the United States for $15 million, thereby doubling the size of the US (1803); eight years later on the same date, Louisiana became the 18th state
  • A Tale of Two Cities: Charles Dickens' novel was first published as a serial in a literary magazine (1859)
    Suicide: Nazi leader ADOLF HITLER killed himself before Allied and Russian forces could capture him (1945)
  • Vietnam War: officially ended when Saigon (now called Ho Chi Minh City) fell and South Vietnam surrendered (1975)
Birthdays
  • Cornelius Vanderbilt 1898
  • Ellis Wilson 1899
  • George R. Stibitz 1904
  • Queen Juliana (Netherlands) 1909
  • Al Lewis 1910
  • Eve Arden 1912
  • Robert Shaw 1916
  • Percy Heath 1923
  • John (Johnny) Horton 1925
  • Cloris Leachman 1926 - Actress ("The Mary Tyler Moore Show," "Phyllis")
  • Willie Nelson 1933 - Musican
  • Gary Collins 1938 - Talk show host
  • Burt Young 1940 - Actor
  • Johnny Farina 1941 - Musician (Santo & Johnny)
  • Bobby Vee (Velline) 1943 - Singer
  • Jill Clayburgh 1944 - Actress
  • Richard Schoff (The Sandpipers) 1944
  • Don Schollander 1946
  • Perry King 1948
  • Wayne Kramer 1948 - Musician (MC5)
  • Merril Osmond 1953 - Singer (The Osmonds)
  • Jane Campion 1954 - Director
  • Paul Gross 1959
  • Isiah Thomas 1961 - Basketball player
  • Robert Reynolds (The Mavericks) 1962
  • Barrington Levy 1964 - Dancer
  • Adrian Pasdar 1965 - Actor ("Heroes")
  • Turbo B 1967 - Rapper (Snap)
  • Clark Vogeler 1969 - Musician (Toadies)
  • Chris "Choc" Dalyrimple 1971 - Musician (Soul for Real)
  • J.R. Richards 1972 - Musician (Dishwalla)
  • Jeff Timmons 1973 - Musician (98 Degrees)
  • Akron 1973 - Singer
  • Johnny Galecki 1975 - Actor ("The Big Bang Theory")
  • Kirsten Dunst 1982 - Actress ("Spider-Man")
    Gal Gadot 1985 - Actress ("Wonder Woman")
  • Ashley Dupré 1985 former high-class hooker who took down the NYS Gov Eliot Spitzer, NY Post Columnist
  •  Dianna Agron 1986 - Actress ("Glee")


imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com  





Friday, April 29, 2016

Rock out with your ASSASSIN out!





MUSE
"Assassin"
War is overdue
The time has come for you
To shoot your leaders down
Join forces underground

[Chorus:]
Lose control
Increasing pace
Warped and bewitched
And time to erase

Whatever they say
These people are torn
Wild and bereft
Assassin is born

Oppose and disagree
Destroy demonocracy

[Chorus]

Whatever they say
These people are torn
Wild and bereft
Assassin is born

WTF Friday: Under your dressing...




No one can hear you scream!
(Since this week was ALIEN Day)

TGIF! Friday, April 29, 2016

valetudinarian \val-uh-too-din-AIR-ee-un; -tyoo-\, noun: 
1. A weak or sickly person, especially one morbidly concerned with his or her health.
adjective:
1. Sickly; weak; infirm.
2. Morbidly concerned with one's health.
Valetudinarian derives from Latin valetudinarius, "sickly; an invalid," from valetudo, "state of health (good or ill)," from valere, "to be strong or well." 
 
totes mcgoats 
  • Totally.
I totes mcgoats failed my math test today.

History
  • Joan of Arc: led her army into Orléans in victory over the English (1429)
  • Dachau: concentration camp was liberated by US soldiers (1945)
  • Naomi Uemura: became the first person to reach the North Pole alone; he traveled by sled dog (1978)
  • Los Angeles race riots: began after the acquittal of police officers accused of beating Rodney King (1992)
  • space walk: astronaut Jerry Linenger and cosmonaut Vasily Tsibliyev stepped out together on first joint US-Russian walk in space (1997)
  • Rent: Rock musical opened on Broadway; the Manhattan-set retelling of La bohème went on to win several Tonys, a Pulitzer and many other awards (1996)
Birthdays
  • Alexander II (Alexander the Liberator) 1745 - Czar of the Russian Empire from 1855 to 1881
  • William Randolph Hearst 1863 - American newspaper magnate, newspaper publisher,
  • Sir Thomas Beecham 1879 - British conductor
  • Duke Ellington (Edward Kennedy) 1899 - Composer, pianist, big band leader
  • Hirohito (Emperor Showa) 1901 - 124th Japanese emperor, emperor from 1926 to 1989
  • Tom Ewell 1909 - Actor ("The Girl Can't Help It," "The Tom Ewell Show," "Baretta")
  • Richard Carlson 1912 - Actor, director, screenwriter
  • Donald Mills 1915 - Musician (The Mills Brothers)
  • Celeste Holm 1919 - Actress
  • Danny Davis 1925 - Musician (The Nashville Brass)
  • Carl Gardner 1928 - Musician (The Coasters)
  • Lonnie Donegan 1931 - Musician
  • Rod McKuen 1933 - Poet
  • Keith Baxter 1933 - Actor
  • Otis Rush 1934 - Musician
  • Luis Aparicio 1934 - Baseball player
  • Lane Smith 1936 - Actor ("Red Dawn," "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman")
  • April Stevens 1936 - Singer
  • Zubin Mehta 1936 - Conductor
  • Duane Allen 1943 - Singer (The Oak Ridge Boys)
  • Richard Kline 1944 - Actor ("Three's Company")
  • Tammi Terrell 1945 - Singer
  • Tommy James 1947 - Musician (The Shondells)
  • Francis Rossi 1949 - Musician (Status Quo)
  • Dale Earnhardt 1951 - Father of race car driver Dale Earnhardt Jr.
  • Kate Mulgrew 1955 - Actress ("Star Trek: Voyager")
  • Jerry Seinfeld 1955 - Comedian, actor ("Seinfeld")
  • Daniel Day-Lewis 1957 - Actor
  • Michelle Pfeiffer 1957 - Actress
  • Eve Plumb 1958 - Actress ("The Brady Bunch")
  • Mark Kendall 1958 - Musician (Great White)
  • Stephanie Bentley 1963 - Country musician
  • Carnie Wilson 1968 - Singer (Wilson Phillips)
  • Michael Timmins 1969 - Musician (Cowboy Junkies)
  • Master P (Percy Miller) 1970 - Rapper
  • Uma Thurman 1970 - Actress ("Pulp Fiction")
  • Andre Agassi 1970 - Tennis player
  • James Bonamy 1972 - Country Musician
  • Mike Hogan 1973 - Musician (Cranberries)
  • Tommie Harris 1983 - Football player
  • Zane Carney 1985 - Actor 




Thursday, April 28, 2016

Turtle Thursday: Hi Chessie!


This is Chessie from the FB group "Diamondback Terrapins"
Lovely Specimen!

Thursday, April 28, 2016

pellucid \puh-LOO-sid\, adjective: 
1. Transparent; clear; not opaque.
2. Easily understandable.
Pellucid comes from Latin pellucidus, "shining, transparent," from pellucere, "to shine through," from per-, "through" + lucere, "to shine."
 
Urban farmer
  • A person who constantly plays Farmville and acts like they know everything about a real farm -- but all they do is live in the city, sit at a computer, and at a certain time, need to stop what they are doing to farm their imaginary crops.
Carly won't shut up about her stupid farm and throwing sheep. What an urban farmer.




Fapulous
  1. Orgasmic, amazing, awesome.
  2. Really, really hot.
"Did you see that ass?" 
'Yeah. It was Fapulous!"
(shown: Adrianne Curry)
 

History
  • mutiny on the Bounty: mutineers led by Fletcher Christian took over the HMS Bounty and set Capt. William Bligh and other sailors adrift (1789)
  • Benito Mussolini: Italy's Fascist dictator was executed (1945)
  • Kon-Tiki: Thor Heyerdahl and 5 others set sail from Peru across the Pacific on a raft to prove that pre-Columbian South Americans could have settled Polynesia (1947)
  • Muhammad Ali: refused induction into the US army; his heavyweight title was stripped and he was later convicted of draft dodging (1967)
  • food pyramid: suggested eating plan was adopted by the US Department of Agriculture (1992); it has since been modified
  • Aldrich Ames: CIA officer pleaded guilty to spying for the Soviet Union (1994)
Birthdays
  • James Monroe 1758 - 5th U.S. President, nickname: The Last Cocked Hat
  • Charles Stuart 1795
  • Mifflin Gibbs 1828
  • Louise Homer 1871 - Opera singer
  • Sidney Toler 1874 - Actor ("Charlie Chan at the Wax Museum", "The Jade Mask")
  • Lionel Barrymore 1878 - Actor ("Captains Courageous", "It’s a Wonderful Life")
  • Red (Charles Frederick) Lucas 1902 - Baseball player, "The Nashvilled Narcissus"
  • Odette Hallowes 1912
  • Robert Anderson 1917 - Playwright ("Tea and Sympathy", "The Nun’s Story")
  • Rowland Evans 1921
  • (Nelle) Harper Lee 1926 - Author ("To Kill A Mockingbird")
  • Blossom Dearie 1926 - Musician (Blue Stars)
  • Carolyn Jones 1933
  • Jackie (John George) Brandt 1934 - Baseball player
  • Saddam Hussein 1937 - Iraqi leader
  • Madge Sinclair 1938 - Actress ("Trapper John M.D.", "Coming to America")
  • Ann-Margret (Olsson) 1941 - Singer, actress ("Viva Las Vegas", "Grumpy Old Men")
  • John Walters 1945 - Musician (Dr. Hook)
  • Marcia Strassman 1948 - Actress ("Welcome Back Kotter", "Another Stakeout"), singer
  • Pablo (Arnoldo) Torrealba 1948 - Baseball player
  • Bruno Kirby 1949 - Actor ("The Basketball Diaries", "When Harry Met Sally")
  • Paul Guilfoyle 1955 - Actor ("CSI: Crime Scene Investigation")
  • Jay Leno 1950 - Hack-Comedian, television talk show host ("The Tonight Show")
  • Jim Wiley 1950 - Hockey player
  • Mary McDonnell 1953 - Actress
  • imagebam.comTony Peters 1953 - Football player
  • Kim Gordon 1953 - Musician (Sonic Youth)
  • Barry Larkin 1964 - Baseball player
  • Too Short 1966 - Rapper
  • Chris Young 1971 - Actor ("Falcon Crest", "The Great Outdoors")
  • Simba Khali 1971 - Actress
  • Big Gipp 1973 - Rapper
  • Elisabeth Rohm 1973 - Actress
  • Jorge Garcia 1973 - Actor ("Becker", "Lost")
  • Penelope Cruz 1974 - Actress
  • Nate Richert 1978 - Actor
  • Jessica Alba 1981 - Actress ("Dark Angel")
 
    


 
    
 imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com imagebam.com
imagebam.com