Little Johnny jokes

You may have seen some of these in emails. They compiled them at tsg:

Little Johnny is sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on Johnny's nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J o h n n y ?"

Johnny's eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Johnnys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Johnny gets a funny look in his eyes and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" Johnny says " Because your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

************

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

************

So Lil Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mom, "Mom, what's a bitch?" His mother, taken back by the question coming from her young son, answers, "That's a female dog."

Johnny thinks about it for a moment and thinks to himself, "No, that couldn't have been what they were talking about."

Next, he approaches his father in the garage and asks him the same question he asked his mother. His dad looks around over both shoulders and says, "Ok, son, I think you're old enough to tell you this." So he pulls out a porno mag and flips it to the centerfold, and then he circles the woman's snatch. He says, "You see that son? That's a pussy. Everything outside that circle is a bitch."

************

Little Johnny is sitting on a bench, with an old man sitting next to him. Johnny pulls out a smoke, and lights it. The old man looks at Johnny and says "Have you any idea how bad that cigarette is for you?"

Johnny looks at him and replies "My grandfather lived to be 106 years old."

The old man is shocked, and asks "He lived to be 106 years old and smoked?"

And johnny smiled and says "No, he learned to mind his own fucking business"

************

Little Johnny at
School

Philosophy

A teacher asks her class "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

He replies ," None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Math class

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 3x2?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 2x3?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class Does any body have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers: 'All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

Grammar I

Little Johnny is sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Grammer II

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet
and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the
teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,......just fucking beautiful!"