WTF Friday: Get your smile on!

All these gems from my email boxes:

*Anti Stress Kit*

This is your Anti-Stress kit. I hope that these items will help you to relax and enjoy your life more.

• Rubber Band: To remind you to stretch your new ideas and your mind to new limits so you will continue to grow and reach your potential.
• Tissue: To remind you to see the tears and needs of others, including those of yourself and your peers.
• Candy Kiss: To remind you that everyone needs a hug, kiss, or a word of encouragement every day.
• Life Saver: To remind you to think of your peers as your "life savers." Care about each other and help each other through the stressful times that occurin life.
• Penny: To remind you the value of your thoughts - BIG ones and little ones!Share them with others.
• Eraser: To remind you that we all make mistakes and with an eraser they can be erased, as can our human mistakes be overcome.
• Toothpick: To remind you to "pick out" the good qualities in others and yourself and to be tolerant and accepting of the differences of others.
• Paper Clip: It's important to "keep it all together." Find the balance in your physical, professional, and spiritual life. Explore the resources andprograms available to you in the community**

*What I've Learned from Watching Porn*

• Women wear high heels to bed.
• When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
• If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
• Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
• Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
• Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
• A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
• All women are noisy fucks.
• People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the
• background.
• Those tits are real.
• A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
• Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
• If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
• Double penetration makes women smile.
• Asian men don't exist.
• If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
• When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a brisk slap on the butt.
• Nurses always suck patient's penises.
• When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
• Women never have headaches... or periods.
• When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
• A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
• Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
• Men don't have to beg.
• When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

THE AGREEMENT!

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scum bag. He yelled back, 'Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.'

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, 'oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!' "

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."