Friday, January 23, 2015

WTF Friday: Public Transportation Woes

Something I wrote in 2002...

In NYC theres always a push to get people to use the Public Transportation more. This lowers traffic congestion, reduces smog, and generates revenue for the MTA.

Well that's all fine and dandy. Except for when the system sucks!

Delays and stuff are expected. But the other things that happen make it an adventure.

Here are some amazing stories from the subway:

The Philosopher Pt 1

One day I get on the train. I was a lot younger, was probably when I took the NYPD test. It was a hot summer day, and even hotter in the subway. I get on the train. There was a man sitting nearby who turned to me.
"Hot, huh?" he asked.
"Yep, very," I responded.
"Did you know there is 10 degree difference down here," he said.
"Really," I said.
"Yes! So If it's 90 up there," gesturing to the surface, "it'll be 100 down here. You following me?"
So now I feel like I am obliged to follow this conversation, so I said, "Yeah."
Then from this point on he starts quizzing me. If it's 100 up there, what'll it be down here?" This went on for about 10 minutes until I got to my stop. I politely said, "See ya" and dashed off. 

Naked People Are Funny! Pt 1

My secretary and her friend get onto the train at the first stop. It was winter time and very cold. So what they sometimes do is shut most of the doors in each car to keep the heat in. A guy was the only one in the car other than the 2 girls. He proceeds to "whip it out" and proceeds to slap the salami. This particular train is set up so you cannot go from car to car. They were trapped in this car with this masturbating maniac. Luckily someone must've seen this and cops came in and grabbed the guy and dragged him off.

Subway Philosopher Pt 2

Another time I was on the train when a middle-aged casual man sat near me. He starting discussing politics and world affairs with me. That was fine. Then he excused himself because he wanted to read a little. At that time he pulled out HUSTLER magazine and commences gawking at the girls in odd positions inside. Mind you there were plenty of people on this train.

Naked People Are Funny Pt 2

My secretary seems to havea knack to be around when the nude bomb explodes. She's sitting on a car when a hefty girl starts screaming. This screaming girl gets up and starts running up and down the car tearing her clothes off. This must've been near the engineer or the conductor because when the train stopped the police were waiting to escort the stripped lunatic away.

The Empty Subway Car

If you see a subway car that is empty you can never tell what you might be in for when you get on. Usually there are two scenarios:
1. Smelly Homeless Guy. You get on the car and are quickly overwhelmed by the cruel stench of body odor, urine, feces, vomit, etc. on this cad. If you can hold your breath for the ride you may not be affected.
2. Heat. Frequently in the summer the train operators seem to mistake the AC switch with the HEAT switch. So it'll be 95 degrees on the platform, then you get in the car and it'll be about 110.

The Casual Stroll

There is nothing worse during the morning or evening rush than those people who have no place better to be. So they take there time. Strolling at a snails pace they love to hold up the staircases and walkways. The if you try to get around them they get annoyed and yell, "What's yo rush?" 

Goal Tenders

Some people love to get on the train and stand right by the door and not let anyone get by them. They actually get annoyed when you want to get around them and into the center of the car so that there is more room for people to get on. I've been cursed out by old ladies who were annoyed when I said "excuse me" and tried to get onto thte train. I thought old people were supposed to be wise? Not these old hags.

People with eyes that are smaller than their asses

I was sitting on the train once. The train was filling up fast. There was a space about 8 inches between me and the next guy. This lard-ass hippo lady starts backing her back bumper into that way-too-small seat. So in a panic I jumped up to save my life and informed her that she underestimated the size of the space and that she could have my seat as well. By the size of her girth I can see the needed to rest her poor knees and ankles from that terrible hefty burden. They could give out at any moment and just think of the death toll! I am a hero!