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Provided by the compucert Phrases you wish you could say at work:
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
6. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
7. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
8. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
10. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
15. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
16. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
17. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
22. Who me? I just wander from room to room
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. You!... Off my planet!
28. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
32. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
33. Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.
34. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
35. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
36. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
37. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
38. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
39. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
40. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
41. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
42. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
43. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
44. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
45. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
46. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
47. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
48. Oh? Point being?
49. You have a good idea? Keep it, you don’t get many!
50. If I wanted your opinion, I’d beat it out of you.
51. Hmmm. I'll let you know when that starts to matter to me.
52. Could you ask me later? Maybe when hell freezes over?
53. I’m sorry; I usually try to ignore people like you.
54. I was only taking orders from the voices in my head.
55. Of course I respect my boss. He signs my paycheck.
56. This is a great work environment, except for the equipment and employees.
57. You had a thought? Trying something new?
58. I am not mean; you are just a pathetic hypersensitive wretch.
59. That’s what you think!
60. What is your gender?
61. Do you want fries with that?
62. You’re NOT pregnant?
63. Is your mom still dressing you?
64. What’s it like living with an IQ of less than 90?
65. At least you are good at being inept.
66. What do you use to get the drool stains off the front of your shirt?
67. How many of you does it take to screw in a light bulb?
68. Maybe you’d be better suited to be a speed bump.
69. Don’t sit down so hard, you may get brain damage.
70. Who let you in here?
71. Maybe you should take some Zoloft for that.
72. If the guy in white jacket comes around for you, he’s not the Good Humor Man!
73. No, I wasn’t on the phone, I was talking to myself.
74. Do you get frequent flyer miles for all those trips to the shrink’s office?
75. You want to take a vacation from doing nothing all day?
76. Is there a vacancy sign in your head?
77. I think you’re having a Prozac moment.
78. That’s your girlfriend? Who’d she lose a bet with to end up with you?
79. Do you have a steel reinforced nose to hold up those glasses?
80. You mean I can’t come in wearing my pyjamas on casual Friday?
81. If it weren’t for games you’d have nothing to do, huh?
82. Winning the lottery is crucial for my retirement plan.
83. This is only my first step in world domination.
84. Blame the education system, everyone else does.
85. Can’t we have three day work weeks like on the Jetsons?
86. Don’t whine to me, I’m not your mother!
87. Is that your kid? I guess he looks like the mailman then.
88. It may have my name on it, but I didn’t do it.
89. Why don’t you drown yourself in the office pool?
90. Watch it! This stapler is loaded!
91. I thought slavery was abolished.
92. Coal mining would be a welcome change from this place.
93. You want it when? ((Then die laughing.))
94. I’ll consider your proposal in the crapper.
95. File those reports here in the trash bin.
96. And I always thought Dilbert was only fiction.
97. I like your hair color. Is that shoe polish, or spray paint?
98. I think someone is a little irregular around here.
99. Oops! That’s not a spittoon?
100. You’re funny, but looks aren’t everything.
101. What part of “no” don’t you understand?
102. I’m speaking to you in English and you’re listening in dingbat.
103. Look out, I’m feeling disgruntled today.
104. I smell something burning around here. Are you thinking again?
105. When did the “no drinking on the job” rule start?
106. Do you know I haven’t choked anybody today!
107. Be glad I’m not a postal worker.
108. Nice hairstyle. Flowbee?
109. I see dumb people.
110. Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?
111. I don’t know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.
112. When I snap you’ll be the first to go.
113. My new inbox is the paper shredder.
114. I like going to work. I get to kill time waiting for my paycheck.
115. They used to say a monkey could do your job. I guess they were right.
116. Did you major in being an idiot in college?
117. You are living proof that the education system has failed.
118. What gene pool did you swim out of?
119. Could anyone tell if you got a lobotomy?
120. Why don’t you stick it up your ass sideways.
121. Can you tell I have an automatic weapon on me?
122. If I close my eyes, will you go away?
123. When do they hand out the blankets and pillows?
124. Your plan sounds good. How long before the Feds arrest you?
125. You have mistaken me for someone who cares.
126. Can we change the mandatory retirement age to 35?
127. How would you like to be picking your teeth up from the floor?
128. When did you start using words with more than three syllables?
129. I wonder how old you really are. May I cut you in half and count the rings?
130. I don’t think we are all on the same rung of the evolutionary ladder.
131. Where would you be without Affirmative Action?
132. Were you conscious when you did this?
133. I think we know who lied on their resume around here.
134. Would you believe that a computer poltergeist made those errors?
135. Good idea. Who gave it to you?
136. Terror, death, destruction. Now that’s a to do list.
137. Not now. I’m checking out worksucks.com.
138. In the old days you’d be drawn and quartered for that.
139. If it wasn’t for the bathroom, I’d get no reading done.
140. Mutilation is too good for you.
141. All this work is interrupting my schedule of downloading kiddie porn.
142. Look out. I just let one fly.
143. Would you like ketchup on that?
144. Choose death.
145. You’ll be talking out of the other side of your face if you don’t shut your mouth.
146. Help. You’re yapping and you can’t shut up.
147. I’m headed to the bathroom to bomb Saddam.
148. Boy will you be in trouble when you lose your looks.
149. He’s in the bathroom clearing his mind.
150. I thought someone was burning garbage, but it was only you.
151. I think bestiality is a perfectly respectable alternate lifestyle.
152. You mean it’s wrong to be a copraphile?
153. These statements are all wrong. Are you using the new math?
154. I think that bulb over your head burned out.
155. Your cubicle should have padded walls.
156. I’d hate to see you BEFORE your morning cup of coffee.
157. What did you say? I’m not fluent in ghetto.
158. He’s waiting on the platform for his train of thought.
159. He’s in the copy room Xeroxing his ass and faxing it out to clients.
160. If you were out in the woods and a tree fell on you, would anyone care?
161. My new motto is: Evil geniuses for a better tomorrow.
162. Can I fit a person into the shredder?
163. Of course you hear voices, the phone receiver is up to your ear.
164. If we don’t have that office party we are letting the terrorists win.
165. CART racing isn’t done on the mail cart.
166. I don’t recall “shooting rubber bands” as part of your job description.
167. At least you excel in your ineptitude.
168. Do you need both hands to count up to your IQ?
169. It’s inappropriate to have pornographic images as my wallpaper?
170. Who did you blackmail to get that position?
171. My car needs a lube job. Can you rub your head across my engine?
172. This company uses the best computers Fisher-Price has to offer.
173. Nice outfit. I guess you’re colorblind.
174. You are proof that stupid people shouldn’t breed.
175. I’d whisper it in your ear, but I’m afraid the others will hear the echo.
176. Are you going to squeeze in some work between those coffee breaks?
177. Keep the rest of your calendar open. You’ll be on the unemployment line.
178. How’s your ear? I hear they’re going to kick you out on it!
179. I think you’d excel as a crash test dummy.
180. This is an office? The broom closet is nicer.
181. You can’t handle the truth!
182. I am totally overwhelmed by the skill I see here and will never work again.
183. Color me uncaring.
184. I’ve half a mind to beat you with your white cane.
185. You could view this job as a learning experience, if you had learned anything.
186. That’s a really innovative use of pantyhose eggs.
187. It needs a few more pantyhose eggs.
188. What the hell are pantyhose eggs?
189. It’s good but it isn’t in a jar.
190. Nice work; now hide it before the boss sees it.
191. My cubicle is the one that says “bad motherfucker.”
192. Use the Force. Let it flow through you.
193. You have not yet realized the power of the dark side.
194. That affects me in what way?
195. Coming in drunk just makes the day bearable.
196. He went on a break for a hot coffee enema.
197. Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.
198. For lunch, would you like a knuckle sandwich?
199. Why should I waste my breath explaining it to you?
200. I got a match for you. My ass and your face.
201. Is that your head, or did your neck throw up?
202. Going to lunch? Why don’t you toss my salad?
203. I like speaking to you, it makes me realize how brilliant I truly am.
204. Are you having a senior moment?
205. Interesting outfit. Is it Halloween already?
206. Your only point is on top of your head.
207. While I’m at it, why not get me a broom to sweep the floors, too.
208. I didn’t know you have to get your knees dirty to climb the corporate ladder.
209. I hope when they bring the hammer down that it’s on your head.
210. I think I better go home. I didn’t make to the bathroom in time.
211. Is there a stamp that says “defective” somewhere on you?
212. People like you are the reason why people like me need medication.
213. I think you’d be better off if you were dead.
214. You make Homer Simpson look like Socrates.
215. The next time you act up, I’m sacrificing you to Satan.
216. The only thing on your mind is that bad haircut.
217. Your breed has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to work a mouse.
218. Don’t tempt me to crush your skull and take your soul.
219. I think they have therapy for that now.
220. You’re back from vacation? When did you leave?
221. This job is driving you crazy? That’s a short trip.
222. Remove your face.
223. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to be one.
224. I didn’t recognize you without your lips on the boss’ ass.
225. When comes the part when you say, “Mmmmm, donuts”?
226. I’m sure it was a good idea… until it came out of your mouth.
227. That was smart. We’d better document this occasion.
228. This company treats employees like babies treat their diapers.
229. At least you take pride in being stupid.
230. You look like you slept in that shirt last night.
231. Would it kill you to run a comb through your hair once in a while?
232. To save time just assume I know everything.
233. Sorry. I don’t do nice.
234. It’s only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s hilarious!
235. I’m sorry, I forgot you are an idiot.
236. Please don’t disturb me, I’m disturbed enough already.
237. These aren’t corrections. It’s torture!
238. Try not to let your mind wander. It’s too small to be outside by itself.
239. You can’t lead me to temptation. I paved the way there.
240. You have the body of a god. Unfortunately it’s Buddha.
241. Keep watching. Maybe I’ll do a trick.
242. If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
243. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
244. If you can’t say something mean about someone don’t say anything at all.
245. My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.
246. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
247. I’m not getting smaller. I’m backing away from you.
248. You are a success at being a failure.
249. Don’t make me break my foot off in your ass.
250. Who let one loose? Oh yeah, I did!
251. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an ass.
252. The proctologist called, he found your brain.
253. You have a photographic memory, only without the film.
254. Save your breath. You’ll need it to inflate your date tonight.
255. I used to have a handle on life until the handle broke off.
256. Some people don’t know how to drive. I call them, “everyone except for me.”
257. You’re only alive because it’s illegal to kill you.
258. Wouldn’t it be nice each time you screwed up we could hit CTRL+ALT+DEL?
259. Remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d fall off.
260. I’m a nobody. Nobody’s perfect. Therefore I’m perfect.
261. There are two ways to do the job, my way or the wrong way.
262. I got a sweater for Xmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
263. I’m in my own little world. It’s okay, they know me here.
264. I’m not on drugs, I get the same effect from standing up fast.
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